i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
