if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She's the barista slut.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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