You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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