I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
