Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
