I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
