My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
