There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
