i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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