im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
