stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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