I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
