If that was your dad, he is hot
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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