i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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