so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
