Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
