My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
