i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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