If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
