Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
