I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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