In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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