one word: firstdatebathroomanal
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
