i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
