i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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