i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
