Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
