You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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