I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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