So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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