i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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