last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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