it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
