It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
