I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
