Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
