i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
