wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
