A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
even my farts smell like vagina
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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