i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
