Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
what day is it and did you see me today?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
