Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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