It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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