how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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