i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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