i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
