idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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