420 ftw
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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