the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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