The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
