This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
