I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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